What Kind of Survivor am I?

Am I even a survivor? I guess, I'm a sorry excuse for one. I stopped... for so long, thinking it was done and over. BUT, I still managed to fall, no matter how hard I tried- and I swear I tried so hard. I swear I did my best, but it just wasn't good enough. Should I really celebrate that I stopped for a good 3-4 months, when at the end of the day I'm still trapped by my addiction, and it's not gone. Is it ever going to go away? Am I ever going to be free? I'm just tired of it. I don't know how anyone else can survive something, if it always comes back; because dealing to me, isn't good enough, having this gone from my life- that is.

(no subject)

I wrote this today. For a lack of a better description I’ll call it a short story.
Ana whispers in my ear telling me how thin and pretty she can make me.
'Think you look good now?' she says.
Yes, I tell her.
'Then just imagine what I can do for you then, just how many times better you would look if you dropped 10lbs?’
She show me a picture of a pretty skinnier happier me.
‘I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, I made you disciplined, focused, PRETTIER and the envy of everyone around you, why have you turned away from me? After all I've done for you, and all the things I can still do for you, why have you left me this way?'
She points out where my hipbones collar bones and ribs are.
'But you can hardly see them' she says, 'Look.’
I look. She’s right, you can hardly see them.
‘If it wasn't for your biology lessons you wouldn't even know you had bones under there, what are you doing to yourself? No one likes a fat chick honey, don't you want people to like you? Boys to notice you? Your boyfriend to think you’re the sexiest thing ever? Don't you?'
She points to the plate of food in front of me.
'Do you even know how many cals in that??? Can you even imagine how many hours of exercise you'll have to do to get rid of that??'
I tell her I don't know, that I hadn't been counting.
'WHAT??? You're not counting??? Then I'll guess for you. 1000 at least'
I tell her that can't be right. Can it?
'Of course I'm right, darling, when have I ever been wrong?'
I point out all the times she told me I was useless and worthless.
'Hang on, I never said you was worthless, just that you would be worth more if you lost a bit of weight that’s all, no need to get all upset'
I tell her to go away. NOW.
'Fine. I'll go. But we both know I'll be back. You need me and you know it. And when you see sense I'll be here waiting for you. Always'
I turn my back and shove a forkful of food into my mouth. Ana laughs, shaking her head as she walks away.
‘You go ahead and stuff your face, the quicker you get fat, the quicker you come back.’
As she gets to the door I call to her.
‘You’re right Ana. I may well come back to you and I’m sure you’ll be waiting. But a two faced bitch always shows her true colours in the end and I’ll see you for what you really are and leave your ass again.’
She just continues to laughs and turns the door knob but I wasn’t finished.
‘Don’t you ever forget Ana, you need me a million times more than I’ll ever need you.’
Ana walks through the door and I finish my meal.
I know she’ll be back but I’m strong enough to fight her until she finally gives up.

Soz for the rant...

 Yeah, somehow managed to GAIN 0.8lbs  overnight when all I've had is the usuall glass of water before bed. PISSED OFF. As you can imagine this morning I officially swore off food. I had 10 grapes for breakfast (which felt like a treat cos I usually have 5 at a time when I eat things like grapes strawberries ect). Had half a bottle of water when I got to college and was ready to not eat much today at all. I was thinking an apple for lunch and a bananna for dinner, or maybe a salad. BUT am annoy thought kept pooping into my head 'you have to eat something, you're in recovery now' and it wouldn't go away. I was soooo crap at NOT eating when I was ana, how can I be bad at now I'm in recovery??? It's like I'm just a failure at everything I do. SO I ate a kitkat (theres not much to eat at college in the morning, just stuff from the vending machine) and am now wondering what to do for lunch, after all I haven't had the most healthiest start to the day. Hmmmm... I'll think about it. I reckon the extra weight has to be water retention, I don't drink much in the evenings because I know I'm going to weight myself before bead and I don't want the extra water weight but if my bodys thirsty then its going to cling to every drop of water it can get. I'm still baffeled as to why I gained almost a pound though, a glass of water doesn't weigh that much (?). Anyway, I'm going to be drinking lots of water regularly now in order to combat this, even in the evenings (0_o). Sometimes I think my ana tendancies have gotten worse since recovery or maybe theyve become more obvious to me??? I don't know. But I shall soldier on another day in the hope things will get better soon xoxo

Somewhat more successful than usual

I stuck to my meal plan more than i have been lately.  I measured out my portions of cereal and milk this morning, and when i was done and still hungry I ate fruit instead of fat and more bread-carbs.  I had something else - I forget what it was, but it was something small and healthy that i was comfortable with - for a mid morning snack, then when my mom came home with pizza, I had one slice and stopped there, which i was proud of (Usually, if I let myself have 1 slice, I have 4 and throw them  up.).  I got that far without throwing up.

Then we had our big mother's day bbq and I got uncomfortable again.  I had 4 small pieces of fish, probably amounting to 11 oz or so, then i had a small chicken breast.  I guess that should've been fine, but then I saw the chocolate covered pretzels and had 4, so I ended up throwing up again.... :-/  I threw up once more after that, because I ate a little piece of cookie cake too, and plus I didn't feel empty enough from the previous session.

Still, I did better than usual.  Usually, I feel completely uncomfortable eating any kind of food and throw up even chicken broth.  So I guess that's progress to be able to only throw up twice, right?

Well, tomorrow's a new day.  I'll just start over doing the best I can.  My therapist and I came up with the plan that I spend sunday night preparing meals for myself for the rest of the week.  I just finished that, and now I'll know exactly what I'm eating all the time and, since I purposely planned them to contain certain ingredients and calorie counts, I'll know for sure that I can be comfortable with them.  I invested in an ounce measurer last week to make sure my portion sizes are correct, and that's been really helpful.  If I know exactly what I'm eating, I'm more comfortable eating it.  Also, I think I'm just generally uncomfortable eating around people...  I don't know why that would be though.

So tomorrow starts my new plan.  My goal, which I will set now because my whole day tomorrow will be packed, is to follow my meal plan and incorporate a full 40 mins of cardio exercise that DOESN'T cause me unnecessary pain.  (I've been having serious pains when I exercise, but if I take it somewhat easy, I'm ok.)

ALSO!  About the swim test I took Saturday.

200 meter swim (8 laps of the pool).  2 minutes, 35 seconds.  WOOHOOOOO!!!  Shattered my personal record and beat my boyfriend.  I'd also like to point out that when I timed myself last monday, when i wasn't eating still, I had a 3 minutes and 2 second time.  I would've failed, which means I would've lost my job.

So yay!

Stay strong everyone!  <3 xoxo

(no subject)

England morning:10 47 am.

One problem and benifit of trying to recover whilst in "normal weight" is this...

when you loose 3lbs from "eating normaly" or as best you can, you wonder how much you would have lost by not eating. Am I eating the right things? How can I make everything healthier so I loose more?  I'm still dreaming of food.
I have to stop thinking about weight, and focus on disconnecting it to the idea that it'll make you sucessful, it wont. I have to diconnect the idea that when im happy in aloud to eat, or when i'm upset i'm not aloud to. 

my aim for the day:  maintain a stable mentality. should over happyness or depression occur due to Bi-polar, stop eating/or thoughts, and meditate/calm to rationality. aim for over 1000calories.

(no subject)

I am having so much trouble right now.  I ate a steak fajita.  I feel so obese.  I just wanna curl up and die.  And my swim test is in 2.5 hours.  Oh my god, i'm so scared right now.  I never want to eat again....  oh my god, this is horrible!!!

(no subject)

 my goal was simple, to cook, and eat, a suficent amount for dinner.

I did and did not meet this goal. my father yelled at me after I had cooked, i picked over my food and left half of it. today I have eaten a little over 1000 calories. 
my goal for tomorrow is to eat 1200 like I planned for today.
I can do this.
I will not let those arround me, who influence my emotions, control me. I will not feel wek and think the only thing I can control is food.

(no subject)

First of all...I just wanted to say that I think this is a WONDERFUL community. There are so many of us out there who suffer from addiction (whether it be drugs, alcohol, or eating disorders) and there's nothing more effective than addicts helping addicts.

So about me.....my name is Jenna and I'm 20 years old from Maryland.
I've suffered from an eating disorder ever since I was 12 years old. I believe it began as a reaction to puberty...not wanting to become a woman and a fear of being viewed as a sexual being. I also believe my involvement in competitive figure skating and cross-country/track running contributed to my ED. I thought that the thinner I was, the better I'd be.

My ED started out as anorexia...later developed into bulimia...and now I guess you could say I'm ED-NOS. I'm 5'4'' - my LW was 95 and my HW was 146...right now, I'm 125ish. Even though I'm at a healthy weight, I am still experiencing the physical complications associated with eating disorders. My life is in danger...as is anyone who has an eating disorder.

I want to recover sooooo bad...but there is still a part of me holding on to the illness. That part is Ed...the voice in my head that tells me that I'm fat, worthless, and a bad person...that if I starve myself to death, all my problems will go away. I intellectually know that he is fooling me, but it is so hard to get his voice out of my head.

For the past year, I've been going to OA/NA/AA meetings.
Some days, I am stuck on Step 1......admitting that I'm powerless over my addiction, that my life has become unmanageable...because I think that I can manage the disease on my own. Other days, I am able to recognize that this is not true and I need to let go and let a power greater than myself help me battle my addiction.

I try to go to Twelve Step meetings on a daily basis.
I also go to therapy at least twice a week...see my psychiatrist at least once a month...and meet with my general practioner whenever needed. I am still in the process of getting a nutritionist and physical therapist.

I've been general psych hospitalized three times...and to ED rehab once.

Beyond the eating disorder, I also struggle with Bipolar I Disorder, OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder (which is questionable), dissociation/depersonalization, self-injury, prescription/otc drug abuse, and suicidal ideation.

My mental illness has disabled me so much that I've had to withdrawal from university three times. All I want is to get my life back.

Some days, recovery is a reality. Other days, it seems so hopeless...